G.I. Joe : Retaliation (Movie Review)

  

Summer movies rarely have world changing story lines. G. I. Joe: Retaliation is one of the many movies made up with blood pumping action scenes, a plot so silly and predictable you feel like such a movie expert pre-guessing how the movie would end. The action scenes are cliché but it doesn’t make it less appealing, 3D makes it entertaining, the score sounds a bit Transformer-ish – a dubstep influenced bass drop whenever there is some really smart kung fu move.

The movie starts out rather very normally, a night scene clearly depicting the many gimmick by Hollywood to sell movie tickets, if you have ever tried to stream a cinema captured print online, you’ll come to know that it’s impossible to see what goes on in a night scene. A black screen was also there for a handsome 2 minutes while the Joes were shouting military commands to each other’s, I’m guessing it’s another gimmick by the rich men AND women of Hollywood.

India is depicted as one of the nuclear armed countries for a press conference summoned by Zartan alias The President of USA, India is in reality too a nuclear state. The Indian representative got a lot of lines like, “Ban Kar”, “Are Bhakwan” during a scence when London was doomed with a specially formulated technology by Cobra Commander, Zeus; a satellite that fires missiles on earth. The weird thing about Zartan and his depiction of the President of USA is that he wants the world to be nuclear free so he called all the nuclear armed countries, Israel, France, North Korea and all that jazz and tricks them into dismantling their nuclear devices by firstly firing nuclear rockets at their countries forcing them to fire it back to the USA, then he selfdistruct the rockets forcing them to do the same. It’s surprising that Pakistan isn’t included as a nuclear country even though the situation of a Pakistani president being killed arises out at the beginning of the movie maybe it’s because our Muslim bros and sis aren’t as targeted commercially as compared to Hindustan where the movie shows in every cinema hall at least in 5 different time slots a day.

The plot seems to be kind of confusing at times; Snake Eyes is captured or framed, it seems like he would be neighbors with Cobra Commander in an underground detainment in Germany floating in a capsule where they would float with “their hearts and brains alive but not their muscles”, the guy who took him at the very underground prison compares it to hell saying, “Welcome to hell” when it turns out it was actually Storm Shadow who was coy to rescue cobra commander, another cliché, another action scene topped off by a very cliché scene; Storm Shadow frees Cobra Commander faced the guy who took him down initially and said, “Welcome to Hell”, I cringed a little. A lot of fights and a lot of emotion, the high point for emotion is when Channing Tatum dies from an air strike authorized by Zartan posing and looking as the president of the United States who Roadblock “voted for”, I can explain it, Zartan has this microchip technology that makes him look like the actual president who is held hostage. Channing’s dead brought tears to my eyes maybe because I still have the Magic Mike love for Channing, and it was funny because I knew he will be killed off. Either ways, most of the original casts in the first movie Rise Of The Cobra, do not return so Duke’s (Channing Tatum) death seems like a marketing thing rather than Zartan’s power. Women empowerment is a topic in this film too, and an underlying story of a girl trying to impress her dad is carried out by Lady Jayne, who Joe (Bruce Willis) likes to call “Brenda”. The thing is Lady Jayne happens to be a 3^rd generation military kid whose military dad denounce her because he “did not trust his life in the hands of a woman”, so she did what any woman would do, she tried to outrank him so that he would later salute her, but he died before he could, a sad realization that his dad would never feel the shame of being sexist.  But Joe, who happened to serve with Jayne’s dad, salutes her at the end saying, “Your father must be proud”.

There are lots of very cliché scenes and really dumb dialogues, when the 3 Joe survivors (Lady Jayne, Flin and Roadblock) set up a base after they return to the USA and try to find out if the president is someone else, Lady Jayne being the computer expert gives Roadblock and Flin her evidences. One, the president rests his thumb left on right unlike how he did from right on left. Two, he started using different phrases. It seems like this is the paramount for the silliness of the plot but it somehow makes sense again when Lady Jayne infiltrated a fund raiser night and stole the president’s hair thereby proving it with a DNA sampler pocket machine –one of the many technologically advance gizmo of the Joes- that it is indeed Zartan but rather than having a whimsical plot, it all blurred into mediocre territory until the movie is saved by yet another very thrilling an expensive-to-shoot action scene. The mountain scene at the Himalayas where Storm Shadow is treated for his wound is one of the most trilling scenes in the whole movie. It turns out it was never Storm Shadow who killed ‘the master’ but Zartan rather. Snake Eyes and Jynx with Blind master’s advice stole Storm Shadow from the Himalayas, it seems like just another Chinese meditation house on the top of a mountain but ninjas in red stormed to save Storm Shadows body from being stolen there by getting a lot of them killed, and I don’t even think I have to mention that Snake Eyes succeed.

Flin (D.J. Conor) never strikes a really huge lasting impression apart from the fact that he is really nice to look at, he’s handsome. Firefly (Joe Anderson) gives a lasting impression not because of his acting ability or his massive skill in kung fu but just the fact that he’s a hard core hunk, a handsome as fuck villain, can have that all day but like all other villains of movies made for teenage kids, I have to bid him farewell and watch him die or get killed by someone less handsome that him, Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson).  The movie ends with the President awarding the Joes, cliché after cliché and he also reassigns the protection to the Joe’s thereby reestablishing humanity’s fate so that we can live happily ever after.

P.s. I stayed late till the credits rolled hoping for an extra footage, which a lot of Hollywood movies do, but it just ended with the Hashbro logo, but it’s nostalgic, I was a child once too and my memories of trying to get Barbie and the G.I. Joe’s to have sex, more about that later.

The Great Gatsby (Movie Review)

The hype for a movie like The Great Gatsby is not only huge but it gets a little bit annoying since a lot of the people who talk about it are either gay or girls. But it makes you believe that Baz Lurhman will do wonders visually because of his resume with Moulin Rouge and he certainly didn’t disappoint. Anyone who read the book will know that F Scott Fitzgerald leaves no bar to the imagination, the clothes are extravagant and the parties are vibrant to a point that it makes you want to re-create them. It’s set in a fictional town of Egg Ham, Long Island New York of the 1920’s, promises of a new freedom, liquor abolition banned from existence, money comes pouring in Wall Street and the social scene is a feast for the eyes but with all the thrills and the flairs at their party, namely hosted by none other than, The Great Gatsby, Jay is his other name and is played by Leonard Di Caprio.

If you’ve read the book, it would be a bit disappointing because like all adaptation movies, they might not highlight the visual, scene or dialogue that you revered in the book. This movie version literally steals the glory of all the love lost sad stories that were ever made. The effects are thrilling though the dance movies like the shimmey looks a little bit uneasy, maybe it’s because we hardly see those moves in fair print. The bootleggers, which Gatsby is one of, seem to enjoy their money while an innocent Yale graduate Nikki played by the ever young looking Tobey Maguire narrated the whole thing. Daisy is a bitch, a flapper, and a “pretty dumb bitch” while her wardrobe choices means a love tale for fashion lovers. She speaks with this ease yet with a lot of fragility; it just makes you want to take care of her but fuck the hell out of her later, for straight men at least.

Some of the characters are unintentionally funny at times, with their suave 20’s accent, all the sex, the booze and the drugs. Mytrle played by Isla Fisher comes off as funny but a bit stupid and yes, you feel so sorry for her. Most of the air pan and New York scenes are works of CGI but it’s hard to tell with Lurhman’s color filters and effects. Lana Del Rey croons “Will you still love me when I’m not longer young and beautiful?” when appropriate and that song, with lines like “Hot summer nights, mid July, when you and I were forever wild” during a scene of fun and reunion with Gatsby and Daisy just takes you deep into the love, sex and infatuation of it all.  The funny thing about this movie is Amitabh Bachan, plays a Jewish character, whose screen time equals about 5 minutes, mega LOL milestone because they shamelessly market The Great Gatsby here in India as starring Amitabh Bahchan, which to me is not even hilarious but plain down stupid (I don't really like Bollywood stars anyway). However, if you go to watch the movie with your literary hopes you might be disappointed. This movie version of The Great Gatsby is best enjoyed for people who haven’t read the book.

Avril Lavigne - Here's To Never Growing Up (Music Review)

   

Avril Lavigne’s music has turned to the old days again and we love it!!! Here’s To Never Growing Up is a feel good song about well, never growing up. The drum beat hits deep in a “We Will Rock You” style and her voice still croons with the innocence of a teenager. Nobody should be tempted to think that Avril still makes the “Boyfriend” days music still, which was while she was with Sum 41 and her music literally screamed “free production from a husband” but that was back then. It’s catchy to say the least with a “give us the chorus first” style and lets you relate to it with the mention of Radiohead , luckily there’s no Chad Croger (Nickleback) input because that would just be plain silly. The verse sinks in “Call up all our friends, go hard this weekend, for no damn reason” with tunes so smooth and vibrate it literally shimmers on a sunset, the catchy hook makes you realize that it’s your new summer jam and also that Lavigne likes saying “damn” very much. Saturday night outing ready, with boombox blaring but you’ll most probably use your car speakers. 

Listen to the song below:

 

Selena Gomez - Come & Get It (Music Review)

Anyone who stream Come & Get It for the first time would be led to believe that they have loaded the wrong song. The record artwork, which was released fairly earlier never hinted that it would be this Bollywood inspired record, that too, hardly subtle in its Hindi usage, going full swing when a guy sang, “Teri akela”.

The record is a departure from Selena’s previous works, it’s very pop music but not adhering to the current Europop trend, it sounds fresh but very mediocre at the first listen however it’s a long settler, with repeated listen it’s fairly very addictive and radio friendly too. The tabla adds to the international sound while her voice, which is not that powerful, works in adding more depth to the emotional value of the song. The lyrics fairly scream Justin Beiber but Selena denied, it seems she’s making music for the sake of making it, after all she doesn’t write the song, it this was a Taylor Swift song; it would be a feast for people to guess who it is for.

Musically, this record is huge because it is brave, fresh and targets India (in a way). Selena Gomez or her music was hardly a cover item in Indian newspaper but her MTV Movie Awards performance landed her massive appeal in India. It’s true what they say about India, a “desi” Bombay princess is snubbed off as another chick but if a “gori” adopts the look, she’s welcomed with agar batis, sweets and praises.

For me, the lyrics are very inspiring, inviting a lover to come get it, very sexual or however you want to take it. I also like that the tabla use doesn’t make it sound Bhangra because that would not be innovative and Come & Get It by all means is very innovative, and fresh, oh yes. 

Watch the video below:

Epic (Movie Review)

Animations films are mostly feel good. They give you a sense of belonging ness, a tender lover whether it’s a family movie, a love between robots or a fish trying to save his son. They always make you feel good no matter what age you are. The story or plot in this case is neither believeable or realife like but it’s neither too fake nor not entirely impossible because the characters counter strike it with the actual possibilities. Like when MK (Amanday Seyfried) asked her dad why she has never seen these tiny creatures in the forest, her dad replied “Because they move too fast” and then it jump cuts to a fly’s vision of the dad and he moves like a “slow moving giant”, “theeeeeyyy moooovveee toooooo faaaassssstttt”, like a 4x slow mo. It’s really star studded, like most animation movies but overall it feels a bit pushed out and mediocre in plot and character depths. Beyonce is not given a fair share for skill show, like she’s expected to fight for her life in the Pacific Ocean with nothing but a tooth pick.

I honestly went for Epic to feel good and the 3D effects but I came to realize that it’s not what I asked for. Beyonce gives a really “rich and black and humble” voice over for the queen who “saves” the forest from decaying, she is the queen of these tiny little people called leafmen who are there to protect the forest from villains whose main leader if voiced over by Christophe Waltz, whatever he touches decays, oh how loud of a sound his powers make. He seems scary not just because of this devilish look but because Waltz is known for his scary-if-he-wants-it-to-be talent in acting. Josh Hutcherson plays the rebel young leaf man, kind of predictable, it reminds me of a character from Hutcherson’s other movie, the kids are alright. Amada Seyfried sounds very American teen and her animation for her character MK looks very American teen too, with hoodies, jeans and boots. Colin Farrel plays Ronin the head guard for the queen but you never really know if they ever fucked or not, they didn’t even kiss but the queen flirted with him like crazeh, like “I know how big it is” attitude. Steven Tyler sings with his character of “more of a crazy uncle” at least he’s allowed to sing, I guess he’s releasing another single very soon. Aziz Ansari does comic con, very funny at times but not Tina Fey fresh but funny all together.

The plot gives space for more action and ever, it’s filled with action and chases but the 3D effects won’t let you go “wow” but more of a “meh”. The dog which is supposed to be “aaawww” also turns out to be more of an “eeww” at times but dog owners would surely get the cut, not all dogs are puppies. The movie certainly lacks originality and it tries to make up for the loss with dubious plots and invention which it failed at, it’s more of a “really be really” snicker at scenes like when MK and her two leaf man friends go visit her dad’s house after she’s shrunken, I mean, yes, that’s how dubious it gets. If you go to see Epic to fulfill your animation story dream or 3D bedazzle, you’ll be disappointed however if you go to see it without much prejudice, it’s fairly entertaining. 

Watch the Preview Below: